Monthly Archives: January 2015

How to have a killer Divorce Party! Part 2

Muscular shirtless male sailor with nautical hat

 

PART 2: THE CELEBRATION

(Get your eyes down here for a bit! STAY…)

This is what we have all been waiting for girlfriends! The celebration of your freedom and new life.

It’s been a long journey, and more than likely bucket loads of tears and tantrums to get to this destination ( and that’s just from your Ex!).

You DESERVE to be happy.

IT’S TIME TO HAVE CRAZY FUN!

You’ve invited your wackiest, most supportive crew, the drinks are chilled and most importantly the stripper is on his way!

In Part 1, we planned the mother of all Divorce party’s! Now it’s time to celebrate!

But before you strap on your party shoes, here are some tips for enjoying your biggest party bash since the day that started it all.  You don’t want it all to come crashing down half an hour after the opening ceremony! Who would pay the stripper then ( Stop looking at him! )?

  • Tart yourself up! It’s YOUR night to shine baby! Get a sexy new hair cut, a hot little dress, and some of that shiny eye shadow the youngsters wear these days! Why not? Live it up!
  • Related to the above: Remember there will be photos! Just make sure that hot little dress doesn’t hike up too much after a few drinks. Nothing worse than seeing your lady bits splashed on social media as you’re draped over the sexy stripper’s lap! ( I know you’re drooling at him again! ) Especially if you’ve been conned into trying on your new edible undies gift.
  • PACE yourself with the bubbles. The party will be a fizzler if the gorgeous guest of honour has her head in the toilet bowl just as things get lively! You don’t want to miss the adult party games, you’ve waited a long time to smash the hell out of that penis piñata!
  • DESIGNATE A MATE. This one will require some negotiation and smarts: Pick a girlfriend that can look after you if things get messy or too embarrassing. Such as you trying to drunk Skype your Ex-MIL so she can witness you smashing the piñata while wearing a g-string on your head. In exchange for your Mate staying sober, you could offer her a free designated driver night out for herself or (shudder) a night of babysitting her monsters.
  • A WARNING on drinking games: Playing Truth-or-Dare or Never-Have-I-Ever, would probably not be the best time to reveal sexy secrets if your Mother or Granny are there. But then again, their secrets may be saucier than yours! Beware you also may hear things you didn’t want to, such as your Ex having a fling with the stripper! This is where your designated mate should be doing her job and keeping an eye on proceedings should things turn too ugly.
  • Make sure you take photos of the cake! Then send them to me! I have a fascination with the amusing vulgarity of them. Just don’t put any under your pillow, you may have nightmares about your Ex returning!

party-bus-rental-divorce-party

  • ( How many times have you scrolled back up to perv huh?)
  • PRESENTS: You may be fortunate enough to be on the receiving end of some hilarious gag gifts that will provide much amusement. Like the Pecker Toss game, some edible undies, penis lollipops, glow in the dark condoms, or a T-Shirt that says- ‘ I’m not with stupid anymore.’  Put that designated friend to work again so you know who gave you which gift for thank you notes later. After using some of those condoms in the Condom Queens game,  sampling those undies, and losing miserably in Never-Have-I-Ever, you may not even remember HAVING a party!!
  • If you’re heading OUT to party, put some of those nifty fold up jiffy shoes in your Designated Mates handbag. You won’t last long in your sexy blingy heels if you’re doing the limbo with hot scantily clad young studs. I’d like photos of this too please!
  • The most important thing you’ll need to do is… HAVE FUN! If you have kids, it may be one of the few times you can forget about being a responsible Mum and just be a Sexy, no attachments, gorgeous woman! ( You DID send the kids to their Dad’s for the night didn’t you??) You’ve earned this celebration with the girls. Forget the dramas, the fact the cat needs to go to the vet, and the gutters haven’t been cleaned in 2 years. Remember what it feels like to be care-free. Treasure this moment. ‘Cos tomorrow you’re probably going to have an almighty hangover!
  • When the party is over, the penis is smashed all over the floor, condoms hanging from the lights, and Granny has recovered from all the excitement, salvage whatever decorations and party games that have survived ( Maybe give the cake a miss). The divorce rate is 1 in 3, so chances are YOU could be the next party hostess or Designated Mate!
  • OK, NOW you can ogle him all you like!  ( Go on, I know you want to! If it makes you feel less slutty, this post has taken me twice as long to write as I keep getting distracted… )

 

 

 

25 ways to recognise a Divorced Super Mum

super mom

 

 

25 WAYS TO RECOGNISE A DIVORCED SUPER MUM :

  1. She hears ‘muumuu-uuuuuum’  approximately every 30 seconds of her home life and probably even while asleep. If she gets any.
  2. A toilet trip alone requires stealth, cunning or bribery. Or all of them.
  3. She can check homework, change a light fitting, bath the dog, cook dinner, pay bills and yell loudly enough for Santa to hear. All at the same time.
  4. She’s entitled to claim all sorts of wonderful government benefits only previously well known to bogans.
  5. She can cleverly change from her taking-daughter-to-ballet-class-gear, into now-let’s-go-fishing-with-the-boys-get-up. In the car. In broad daylight.
  6. A holiday is a trip to the shopping centre by herself.
  7. She forgets her own doctor’s appointment because she’s searching for an elusive sock that youngest child will DIE without.
  8. She considers 2 minute noodles a meal. It has veggies in it!
  9. The thought of Christmas and the added expense, gives her hives. The Easter Bunny not so much, he brings CHOCOLATE!
  10. She’s on a first name basis with the chicken and chip shop lady.
  11. She looks at her ex and thinks someone must have drugged or brainwashed her for the entire duration of her marriage.
  12. She never receives another Mother’s Day or Birthday present again. Unless she buys it for herself.
  13. Her working wage is stretched tighter than Kim Kardashian’s thong.
  14. She doesn’t worry too much about use-by-dates from the pantry. What? Nobody has died yet!
  15. Her kids complain she has too many rules and want to go to Dad’s. Then call within 5 minutes telling her how much they miss her.
  16. Her garden begins to grow its way in to the house.
  17. She knows the difference between a phillips head and a normal screwdriver thingy.
  18. She can assemble IKEA furniture quicker than her ex (Because she read the instructions ).
  19. She has learnt to annihilate spiders without having to call 911. Though they may turn up anyway from all the screaming.
  20. A party only involves dropping kids to and from.
  21. Ditto for a social life.
  22. She’s the shortest one in the house. Thank God for small dogs.
  23. She’d rather scrub the toilet with a toothbrush than cook another meal for the kids to not eat.
  24. She’s smirking because she understands all of the above.
  25. She’s proud of everything she’s accomplished and can do it all on her own! Even without a cape.

Ode to the toilet roll

 

A hero soon forgotten

 ODE TO THE TOILET ROLL

A cylinder left on a cold tile floor

A mate has rolled behind the door.

Where once was joy at its silky fullness

Forgotten now on completing its business.

No longer wrapped in soft delight

Naked, discarded, such a plight.

Why must I be the one to see?

How the forlorn ones are trying to flee.

From the young,fresh and prettily new

In their lofty place next to the loo.

I am their lone saviour, a fearless foe

A mother must, where no child will go.

To scoop up the drab, abandoned roll

Its short life has taken a heavy toll.

It sacrificed its layers for my dear child

A hero for a bottom, now soft and mild.

How to have a killer Divorce party! Part 1

Divorce-party

 

THIS IS IT GIRLFRIENDS!

Your divorce is finally final! You’re a free agent, a fabulous, gorgeous Divorced Super Mum!

It’s time to CELEBRATE! Pick out your blingiest dancing shoes and let’s get this party organised!

I once heard that divorces are like a wedding video played backwards. There’s a party, the rings are given back, the bride goes back down the aisle, gets into a car and heads off with her friends for drinks. I love that. Believe me, it’s your girlfriends that will help you get through this and hold your head out of the toilet after too many glasses of pink bubbles at the party!

I have decided this post will be so jam packed with information that I’ll break it down into two parts:

  1. The planning
  2. The celebrating

PART 1-THE PLANNING

  • I have mentioned this in a previous post…, but TIMING is crucial. I advise waiting until your prized divorce certificate is either in-hand, or in the mail, to have this party. The day after you kick him out will seem slightly tacky no matter how tempting. Of course if you can manage to wangle it on some important date like your wedding anniversary, Valentines Day, or his birthday, major creative bonus points!
  • The VENUE will be important here. You do NOT want to drive, ride or stagger home. You may be lucky enough to have a prized GF who has volunteered her gorgeous home and pool for the party of the decade! In which case, I hope she can either cook , or make killer cocktails. Choose your hostess wisely. Can she stay sober long enough to pay the stripper when he leaves? Of course you may decide to have a girl’s night out similar to a Hen’s night, but I warn you, you’ll miss out on dirty games and crazy cake this way!
  • GUEST LIST: You will want to invite your closest BF’s of course, but only on the condition they  bring good cheer, alcohol and maybe an awesome “unhitched’ present like edible undies. ( to be used at a later ‘date’). Family members are also welcome, but reserve judgement on who can handle the festivities. Is Great Granny Josie on the list because you love her and don’t want to NOT include her ( in the hope she doesn’t have a coronary at the stripper), or is she invited because she’ll be the one dancing WITH the stripper and taking off his clothes with her false teeth? Now the question of In-(out) laws arises here. It all depends on your relationship with them. If YOUR ex-MIL cannot speak english and could never stand the sight of you because you can’t cook borsch, I’d say, leave her off. Or ON if you want to really make a statement!
  • INVITATIONS: What to do? Formal printed invitations, group email, FB Event creation, text, sign on the front lawn, front page advertisement in the local paper…so many decisions. Here are some printed ones I found online that I thought were amusing to get some ideas flowing: Zazzle, Pinterest and  Etsy . Have fun with it, and let your personality shine.
  • GAMES: Oh. My. Gosh! I did some research to find some good ones and I was almost blushing at some of the adult games and paraphernalia I found. Lookee here and get ready for some adult fun if you’re game! However I couldn’t go past this company-Butlers In The Buff. They will serve your drinks looking oh so sexy, and even join in with the frivolity and games. I got a little distracted ‘researching’ on this site! Their list of games above was also something intriguing. My absolute favourite was  TRASH DRESS PAINTBALL! What else are you going to do with this fluffy concoction? Why not be creative and get some wonderful photos with the girlfriends! They’ll make terrific thank you cards. Oops did I just accidentally mail one to my ex? You can also find some mind boggling party supplies and bit and pieces online. Sample bags anyone?
  • CAKES: I have mentioned these before. They’ll be the focal point of your celebration. OK AFTER the stripper. Ok AFTER the alcohol as well. Here are some side splitting ones I found on Pinterest . Yes, a few of them are bad taste but that’s the fun of it!

Just a warning: Good cakes aren’t cheap, and cheap cakes aren’t good. Don’t go with a dodgy cheap cake maker. If you want something that makes a statement, you’ll need to pay for it. Otherwise go make your own Betty Crocker! ( I used to have a cake business so I speak from frustrated cake decorator experience)

  • STRIPPERS ( I bet you thought I’d never get to the point) : There is where your eyeballs get to have some fun, all in the name of ‘research’. You’re just making sure your GF’s have a good time, right? Check out the companies thoroughly and what the package includes…I mean the cost of course! Is it going to be a 2 minute gyration leaving all the ladies wanting more, or will your sexy entertainment be more involved in the evening such as Butlers in the Buff. Yes I am back to them. I am really distracted by the thought of some scantily clad sex God offering me a large martini wearing a g-string and an apron. Shame on me! Nah bugger that…bring it ON!

OK preps are under way, all your girlfriends are frothing at the mouth to come to the Divorce Party of the decade. Granny has her diamente bikini on and a seat up the front, the bubbles are chilled. Kids are at their Dad’s for 2 days while you recover.

LET'S GET THIS PARTY STARTED!

Let’s get this party started girlfriends!!

NEXT: How to have a killer Divorce party! Part 2 

 

 

 

 

8 reasons Divorce works for me!

1

 

DIVORCE.

A word that sends shudders through many couples who will agonisingly try and stay together when it’s clearly painful for everyone.

Divorce isn’t necessarily the black hole of disaster you have imagined it to be.

 

  1. FREEDOM. I have freedoms I never knew of before: I can choose what we eat, I have total control of the remote ( I am still the mum) , and I get to choose how my future looks. Now THAT’S empowering!
  2. OK this one is obvious but one of my true favourites. I get the ENTIRE queen size bed to MYSELF! I can sleep on any side, angle, blankets on or off, fan on or off. I get to DECIDE. So when it’s a sleep-like- a-star-fish-night, I CAN. Bedtime bliss. Every.Night.
  3. I no longer have to revolve my schedule around a spouse. My schedule revolves around me and the kids…one less in the equation makes for an easier life!
  4. I have total control over my FINANCES. If I have no money, it’s MY fault, not because someone has hidden some away or donated it to the Dan Murphy fund.
  5. As a single parent, I now get extra government benefits that we never received before…win/ win for me! I also get concession tickets to movies and shows! Always a bonus. Have you seen the price of those things these days?
  6. I can decorate my house as girly as I want! My bed has a dozen pillows, my lamps have crystals and my quilt set has bows! I couldn’t have done THAT with a husband wanting to sleep in there. ( HMM maybe I should have redecorated earlier as a hint for vacating? )
  7. I actually get some kid free time when they go to their Dads once a week. That’s time for a looooong uninterrupted bath, a movie I get to choose, or time to read a book without having to re-read the page five times because someone can’t find their socks.
  8. Moving on and not wallowing in ice-cream misery on the couch, doing all the exciting things I never had the time/guts to do before, gave a big up-you signal to my ex. It also showed the world I’m a strong woman and ready to face it head on! ( Even if I was really scared to death. Smoke and mirrors baby! )

Look at things in a positive light. It is a major step in moving forward and building your new and exciting life girlfriends!

So get on and enjoy yourself. Show everyone you’re a proud Divorced Super Mum! A force to be reckoned with! Put on your cape and tiara and dance your sparkly shoes off!

Who cares who’s watching? Even if it’s nobody but your cat, celebrate your awesomeness and your independence!

 

Divorce-GET HELP WITH THE LEGAL STUFF.

Divorce agrement

ALERT: This will be my one and only serious post on this blog and it cannot be avoided. It’s impossible to write about the Divorce journey without at least touching on this topic. Unfortunately legal=boring but necessary.  It is written from my personal experience only. I am NOT a lawyer, hence my urging to get one! Or at the very least, professional advice.

I cannot say this loudly enough girlfriends. I am pulling out my megaphone now:

GET HELP WITH THE LEGAL STUFF!

This is where I got it SO wrong. Silly me assumed we could sort it out like adults and what we (he) said we would do, meant that we (he) would. I did not get legal help to make our financial arrangements official. Dumbest move (apart from getting married) I EVER made.

My car was repossessed because he hadn’t been making the payments I was paying to him, for the loan in his name. Then I had a court officer knocking on my door with an arrest warrant for non payment of a joint credit card he was supposed to have cut up 2 years previously when we separated! They decided to go after me for the balance when he declared bankruptcy. I went to court and explained my sorry situation assuming they’d understand, we’d shake hands and call it a day. Well things didn’t quite go down that way.  I had no leg to stand on apparently because my name was on the original account. The judge said unfortunately this isn’t the first case she has seen like mine, and won’t be the last. Fairness does not apply in a court of law.

I will say it again-GET HELP WITH THE LEGAL STUFF. Even if the separation is amicable, there WILL be issues somewhere along the way. They may not even pop up until a few years down the track like mine did. Just when you think you’re home free.

Don’t be proud, stupid, gullible or kind. It’s going to take a while to tie up loose ends, and you don’t want to be hung out to dry like I was.

In Australia there are services in every state where women can get free legal information, and if you qualify for their means test, you may even get free representation should you need it.  I made an appointment, and found the lawyer very understanding, non judgmental and she had a ready box of tissues and a sturdy ear.

The other legal bit that cannot be avoided, is applying for the actual divorce. I bet some of you are itching to sign on and get things in motion. I dragged my sorry ass for three years so I wouldn’t poke the grumpy bear with a stick. Finally I decided to get it over with as he’d be pissed anytime I served him papers.

Here’s where you need to start if you live in Australia: Apply for a Divorce. Once you have been legally separated for 12 months, it can all be done online and is relatively easy if it’s a joint decision. Only one of you will need to attend the court date if you have children, and I swear it took about 30 seconds of me standing nervously at the bench and then it was all over! Legal one month and one day later! I was so proud of myself that day I think I skipped out of the Court House. My Mum had asked if I wanted her to go with me. I told her:

“No, I got in to this on my own, I’ll go out the same way. ” Yay for me! I’m an independent woman.

Of course it may not be that easy if you have property and finances that need splitting up.That’s why you GET HELP WITH THE LEGAL STUFF! Make sure you get what you’re entitled to, and don’t cave in. Remember you’re a strong capable woman, and will be setting yourself, and your children up for the future.

The other legal issue to sort out is KIDS. Who lives with who and for what percentage of time. Who pays maintenance? Or in far too many cases, who is SUPPOSED to pay maintenance. Why do I hear a collective groan from women all around the world here? Sigh.

What keeps me going is the knowledge that I am bringing up my children with very little help from their dad, and one day hopefully, they’ll be grateful. Probably not, but I live on the edge.

In the meantime I am proud I am a Divorced Super Mum and can do it on my own!

My apologies for this sermon, but it’s an issue that cannot be ignored for a Super Mum.

My advice ( apart from GET HELP WITH THE LEGAL STUFF) is to get it over with ASAP. It’s really not going to be any easier waiting 10 years. Tie up the loose ends and get on with being a Super Mum.

Now I’ll put my cape back on and normal (entertaining) posts will resume at Divorced Super Mum. We’re gearing up for the big DIVORCE PARTY now!! Stay tuned and polish your party shoes!

~Cat~

P.S.  Divorced Super Mums, please jump on here and comment with information and experience on the legal process in your country if you like! 🙂
Please keep the language clean, I realise this can be a heated topic.

Sunday night to-do-list

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If you’re a crazy flat out working mum like myself, you’ll probably detest Sunday nights. It’s the worst day of the week.

OK, so I know it’s not technically an entire day, but its personality is big enough to be. It’s the evil step mother of the week lurking ominously at the end of a joyous, relaxing weekend, waiting to turn the sweetest, most relaxed Mum, into an anxious housework maniac.

If you’re like me, I attempt to have some organisation happening to make the rest of the week run more smoothly. Note the word attempt. This is my list of Sunday night jobs ( feel free to add your own. You may inspire me! ):

  • Wash and prepare school uniforms. Notice I did NOT mention ironing here. Ironing is for summer uniforms, and only when the cool cycle on the dryer has not made them look respectable. Winter jumpers are a godsend on crinkled shirts.
  • Write a rough menu plan for dinners. Of course this is liable to change any time I can’t be bothered cooking, someone offers to cook for me, or the kids ask for toasted sandwiches for dinner. ( Did you get that I don’t like cooking dinners?)
  • Semi tidy the house- this may be the last ounce of energy I have between now and next Sunday night to clean and bleach those grotty toilets, arrange my sock drawer in colour order and fish hair out of the drain.
  • Check the weather forecast on the news and plan the weekly work attire. It’s never a good thing to ad-lib at 6:30am. I did that once and went to work wearing two ENTIRELY different earrings, and nobody said a thing! Rotten bastards!
  • Check the pantry to ensure there is enough recess, and bread for sandwiches. I am not a fan of the 11pm dash to the 24/7 expensive service station for school lunch box snacks. This sadly doesn’t always go to plan as the munchy monsters get home before I do and have not heard of rationing. Their theory- I see food, I want food.
  • Start stressing about the work week, and how I will get through it. This isn’t actually a job per se, but it seems to be part of my Sunday night routine.

This list may be deemed null and void if there is a good Sunday night movie on and multitasking is simply not do-able. That is my get-out-of-housework clause. The not do-able clause involves any movie starring Matthew McConaughey (mmm he could read me a soap packet and I’d drool), Hugh Jackman ( who doesn’t love a sexy man who can sing, dance, and still look hot wearing claws longer than mine), and Colin Firth ( aka Mr drop- dead- smoothe- Darcy) . If they ever put those three gentlemen in the same movie, there will never be another scrap of housework done in my place. EVER.

If the clause is enacted upon, there is of course the matter of Sunday night jobs becoming Monday night jobs, and that’s even worse! But worth it for one of the do-able trio!

No matter how early I have planned to get my head onto the pillow, I can usually add on an extra hour fluffing around with the dust vac sucking up dog hair, or tidying those extra eyebrow hairs ( NOT with the dust vac!). Perhaps it’s my subconscious trying to extend the weekend, and avoid Sunday night’s evil almost-twin……Monday morning!

SHHH I can hear her heels as she click clacks her way here.

 

Letter to pre-married self on my wedding day!

 

Businesswoman writing with pen

 

Dearest Self and gorgeous bride

I am writing this 20 years into your future hoping to save you time, sadness, money, heartache, wrinkles, sanity, weight gain and possibly auto immune diseases.

It won’t help you to know that time machines are still not invented so it’s really a vain attempt, and you’re going to do what you’re going to do regardless.

But if there’s some alternate plane, or magic letter box like in The Lake House, where somehow you’d read or intuitively absorb what I am about to say, then I am going for it!

Hold on to that ridiculously long veil! It’s not going to be sugar-coated!

The man you think is sexy and mysterious, tall, dark and looks as cute as Tom Hanks in Big,  well you don’t know him well enough to spend supposedly the rest of your life with.

Hell, you don’t even know yourself well enough! You’re only 24, have lived a sheltered strict life, and always lived at home. You haven’t travelled the world and met all kinds of interesting people or even been to a nightclub in Bali or walked the streets of London like most normal Aussies. Your one overseas holiday was with your parents! The other time you booked a ticket overseas for yourself was to go to Kangaroo Island, and they cancelled crossings that day and you never went!

Where are your dreams? The ones you created as you read books and devoured travel shows.

Also have you seen his family? Hun, sweetie, dearest one, they will be related to your children. Do you want that DNA skipping around in your offspring’s veins?

Now look at the IQ and Education levels. Ditto as above.

You can do so much better! If I could smack you around the head right now I would!

You just need to be patient.

Learn about yourself.

Travel.

Write.

Laugh.

Have affairs.

Enjoy your health and freedom.

Establish a career.

Save money then spend it on yourself.

Make mistakes and learn from them. ( not married ones)

Live by yourself.

Do wild crazy stuff.

If you’re still reading this and haven’t shredded it by now, I may still have a chance. Sit down, kick of those uncomfortable shoes for a minute, this one is going to hurt:

LISTEN TO MUM AND DAD!

When they pleaded with you to re-think the whole wedding thing, they knew what they were taking about. It wasn’t just the maybe-groom-to be’s Russian accent that had them concerned.

Trust me! Countless times in the past I wished I had not been stubborn and blind to their words.

Believe me when I say they know you better than you know yourself right now. They know what you need in your life to be fulfilled and happy. They know too, what it takes to create a successful marriage as we are about to celebrate their 50th Wedding Anniversary.

Once the marital glow wears off, the fluffy towels have been washed a few times, the wedding toaster filled with crumbs, it definitely isn’t all bliss. Then kids bring a whole new game to the establishment. If you guys weren’t suited before, well strap yourself in, ‘cos it’s going to be really bumpy now as the extra stress comes rolling in and the cracks form.

You think you’re all grown up now at 24, and know what love is? PFT! I wish I could explain how wrong you are. You’re sweet pretty bride, but naive.

At 44 I am STILL learning about myself, love and relationships. This is no spoiler alert as I won’t tell you about our life now. You need to choose the path. I am only offering advice from your older, wiser, wider self.

Don’t worry what everyone will think.

Yes Mum and Dad may be pissed you didn’t decide BEFORE they forked out all the funds to pay for this blasted wedding, but I KNOW that would be outweighed by their utter relief and secret joy that you have eventually made the right decision.

The guests will get over it too and probably happily return all the towels and glasses anyway. The almost-in-laws will party on regardless, all they need is alcohol and they’ll be good to go.

Look deeply into your heart. Is this right for you? Truly?

It’s our life and our future.

CHOOSE WISELY. We have to live with the decision you make today, for the rest of our life.

Love always

Your future self

P.S. If you DO decide to go through with it, get your brother to check the limo booking for leaving the reception. A taxi substitute didn’t really cut it.

Also, don’t put bubble bath in the spa!

Super-Mums don’t get sick

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NO, I AM FINE!

My throat hasn’t grown razors in it and my shouders don’t ache like I have carried water in buckets for 100 miles. The reason my nose is glowing like Rudolph’s is because I forgot to put makeup on it. Didn’t I?

I feel great, full of energy.

I don’t have time to be sick.

I have a house to be cleaned for an inspection next week. That includes the dreaded shower scrub. I need a glassless shower! Or a maid. Preferably both.

A kitty litter tray to empty and refill with something more pleasant. ( even with a nose that feels like I have shoved a cork up there, why am I the only one that seems to smell it??? )

There’s a basket of clean washing I have ignored for a week. It’s getting pretty cranky with me, I can feel it sending me vibes whenever I walk in there. Why does laundry do that? Just fold yourself and get over it!

An oven to scrub out as some little lovely grilled some cheese in it and left the overflow. Now when I turn on the oven it stinks to high heaven and smokes like a train. It sends the smoke alarms off ( There could be something to this if it brings sexy firemen to my house…..).

The pugs could do with a bath. SHHHH don’t say that too loudly or Ava will disappear for a month.

Then there are bills to be paid. Unfortunately they just won’t go away no matter how much I try to ignore them. Darn rude I say!

A bunch of school forms to fill out…again! Why is it every time they go on an excursion I have to fill out the same health form? Can’t the teachers there share?? What is with that?

I should be loading my car with the bags of clothes we have filled up for Vinnies. I keep tripping over them when I stagger into the garage. If I fall and hit my head, nobody would come looking until they got hungry. Bribed kids to get rid of outgrown clothes with a shopping trip to replace them ( Smartly haven’t been pinned down to a date yet) .

If I WAS actually smart though, I would have defrosted some steak and set up my slow cooker with veggies to turn on for the morning. I am not sick, but if I WAS to feel under the weather tomorrow, a ready cooked dinner would be handy.

Before I go to bed I have work emails I had better answer before panic sets in for taking longer than 4 hours to send a reply.

Oh yes, I forgot I started cleaning out my wardrobe too and have clothes all over my bed. I was  intending to fill some bags for Vinnies though sadly no money for a bribe for me!
Sigh, I wonder how comfortable that mountain of clothes will be to collapse on? If I just rest my head there for a sec, and drag that fuzzy jumper over my legs, it will all be good.

Luckily I am NOT sick so I can be a Super-Mum.

THERE IS NO TIME FOR GERMS HERE!

Telling family and friends the good news!

 

Divorce-party

At some time or other, you’re going to have to come clean about this new status. No use waiting until he sends out wedding invitations to marry his new bimbette.

I was terrified dropping the bombshell on my strict Catholic parents. They have five children, all married. I was going to be the outcast. I chickened out and told them by phone, shaking, sweating, and hyperventilating at the expected response. You’d think I was still 5 years old and had to admit to mum I’d decided to try being a hairdresser. On my one year old brother.

This time though, my mother’s words floored me; “It’s about time”.

What the? You knew?

It may come as a bit of a surprise, but it’s more than likely your family and close friends had figured it out before you did. In my case, before I was even married.

On the other hand, if it was a shock to YOU when hubby announced it, then my guess is family and friends may be equally surprised. Or not. Family and friends have an uncanny knack of seeing things we choose not to.

These days modern girls announce their impending singledom in many ways. Facebook, Twitter, YouTube, billboards. It is no longer an embarrassment to be a divorcee. We are strong powerful women, who make our own decisions. Don’t mess with us.

Here are three of the more interesting ways I found in my research, to announce the impending singledom:

  • MYSTERY DINNER PARTY: Host a “mystery” dinner party at your house. Assign your friends and family guests, characters using the names of important people from your divorce: attorneys, judges, file clerks, bailiffs, divorce coach, etc. Include pieces of important information regarding the reasons for your divorce (infidelity, prostitution, leaving dental floss in the sink) in the guests’ envelopes. Sit back and relax while your guests solve the evening’s mystery: Your Divorce! This works even better if your ex-spouse has recently experienced an unfortunate “accident.”
  • SEXY DIVORCEE, PLAIN FRIENDS PARTY: Only for the very best of girlfriends! All the guests bring the hottest single guy they can find to the party. None of the guests are allowed to dress up or wear make-up. ONLY the divorcee. How’s that for true friendship?! Why didn’t I have friends like that?
  • DIVORCE RITUAL:  This one involves a ritual that family and friends are invited to. It may include vows to always do what’s best for children etc. There may be a giving back of the rings, and a blessing on future (separate) health and happiness. Memories such as photos and videos have also been shared at some of these. Only for amicable separations obviously! I don’t know too many that would have the heart or stomach to go through this one. I doubt having a wishing well would be a good idea either!

One of the easiest and most popular seems to be the Social media announcement. You don’t have to deal with people’s emotions as they process it, and you can give as much or as little information as you want. This can be done with a smidge of class, or go the whole hog and throw out the dirty goss for the world to oggle at!

There are also companies that will print out formal divorce announcements. You can make these as serious or as crazy as you wish.

Divorce parties are becoming more common amongst newly liberated girlfriends. They are similar to Hen’s nights, but with a lot of men( or ex)-bashing. I have seen some wicked divorce cakes with brides or grooms heads cut off and blood trickling down the sides of the cake- and they were the more tame ones. Google them, trust me, your mind will boggle. ( More on Divorce parties coming soon. )

A word of warning: If you’re still in contact with your Out-Laws, it’s probably not a good idea to invite them to the stripper party.

However you announce the news, do it on your own terms and when you’re ready.

OK, it may not be as exciting as when you announced your engagement, but there’s absolutely NO reason you can’t have fun with it! Who said it had to be a sad and gloomy time? Social pressures and expectations?

Be a modern woman, stand up and say:

“This is what has happened. I am dealing with it and choose to move on happily. Now let’s open that bottle of pink champagne and celebrate my new life! ”

~Cat~