PART 2: THE CELEBRATION
(Get your eyes down here for a bit! STAY…)
This is what we have all been waiting for girlfriends! The celebration of your freedom and new life.
It’s been a long journey, and more than likely bucket loads of tears and tantrums to get to this destination ( and that’s just from your Ex!).
You DESERVE to be happy.
IT’S TIME TO HAVE CRAZY FUN!
You’ve invited your wackiest, most supportive crew, the drinks are chilled and most importantly the stripper is on his way!
In Part 1, we planned the mother of all Divorce party’s! Now it’s time to celebrate!
But before you strap on your party shoes, here are some tips for enjoying your biggest party bash since the day that started it all. You don’t want it all to come crashing down half an hour after the opening ceremony! Who would pay the stripper then ( Stop looking at him! )?
- Tart yourself up! It’s YOUR night to shine baby! Get a sexy new hair cut, a hot little dress, and some of that shiny eye shadow the youngsters wear these days! Why not? Live it up!
- Related to the above: Remember there will be photos! Just make sure that hot little dress doesn’t hike up too much after a few drinks. Nothing worse than seeing your lady bits splashed on social media as you’re draped over the sexy stripper’s lap! ( I know you’re drooling at him again! ) Especially if you’ve been conned into trying on your new edible undies gift.
- PACE yourself with the bubbles. The party will be a fizzler if the gorgeous guest of honour has her head in the toilet bowl just as things get lively! You don’t want to miss the adult party games, you’ve waited a long time to smash the hell out of that penis piñata!
- DESIGNATE A MATE. This one will require some negotiation and smarts: Pick a girlfriend that can look after you if things get messy or too embarrassing. Such as you trying to drunk Skype your Ex-MIL so she can witness you smashing the piñata while wearing a g-string on your head. In exchange for your Mate staying sober, you could offer her a free designated driver night out for herself or (shudder) a night of babysitting her monsters.
- A WARNING on drinking games: Playing Truth-or-Dare or Never-Have-I-Ever, would probably not be the best time to reveal sexy secrets if your Mother or Granny are there. But then again, their secrets may be saucier than yours! Beware you also may hear things you didn’t want to, such as your Ex having a fling with the stripper! This is where your designated mate should be doing her job and keeping an eye on proceedings should things turn too ugly.
- Make sure you take photos of the cake! Then send them to me! I have a fascination with the amusing vulgarity of them. Just don’t put any under your pillow, you may have nightmares about your Ex returning!
- ( How many times have you scrolled back up to perv huh?)
- PRESENTS: You may be fortunate enough to be on the receiving end of some hilarious gag gifts that will provide much amusement. Like the Pecker Toss game, some edible undies, penis lollipops, glow in the dark condoms, or a T-Shirt that says- ‘ I’m not with stupid anymore.’ Put that designated friend to work again so you know who gave you which gift for thank you notes later. After using some of those condoms in the Condom Queens game, sampling those undies, and losing miserably in Never-Have-I-Ever, you may not even remember HAVING a party!!
- If you’re heading OUT to party, put some of those nifty fold up jiffy shoes in your Designated Mates handbag. You won’t last long in your sexy blingy heels if you’re doing the limbo with hot scantily clad young studs. I’d like photos of this too please!
- The most important thing you’ll need to do is… HAVE FUN! If you have kids, it may be one of the few times you can forget about being a responsible Mum and just be a Sexy, no attachments, gorgeous woman! ( You DID send the kids to their Dad’s for the night didn’t you??) You’ve earned this celebration with the girls. Forget the dramas, the fact the cat needs to go to the vet, and the gutters haven’t been cleaned in 2 years. Remember what it feels like to be care-free. Treasure this moment. ‘Cos tomorrow you’re probably going to have an almighty hangover!
- When the party is over, the penis is smashed all over the floor, condoms hanging from the lights, and Granny has recovered from all the excitement, salvage whatever decorations and party games that have survived ( Maybe give the cake a miss). The divorce rate is 1 in 3, so chances are YOU could be the next party hostess or Designated Mate!
- OK, NOW you can ogle him all you like! ( Go on, I know you want to! If it makes you feel less slutty, this post has taken me twice as long to write as I keep getting distracted… )