Monthly Archives: February 2015

5 ways to steal YOU time

 

 

 

Woman bathing

Being a Divorced Super Mum has infinite benefits as I have already mentioned. But I am not going to lie to you: you will have some days that feel like a cake eating rhinoceros is sitting on your chest. The burden of managing a household on your own, working, driving kids around and attempting to remember who needs to be where at what time, trying to figure out which bill to pay this week, and who will eat what for dinner, does occasionally take its toll on you.

You’re not alone. Sometimes I still have panic attacks when I wake up in the morning and think about what my day will involve.

We may be Divorced Super Mums, but we are also human and need to take care of ourselves for the benefit of our children, those we work with, those who drive on the roads next to us, and for our neighbours who will have to listen to our screaming banshee breakdown when it all gets too much.

Our mental, physical, emotional and spiritual health is continually drained by the necessities of life, but how often do we take time out for ourselves?

Below are 5 strategies I have used to get some time to myself, so I can be a better ME and a better Mum ( work colleague, neighbour, daughter, sister, road-user, customer) :

  • Get locks on your bathroom and/or bedroom doors. These will be your saviour! You need ONE private spot in the house where kids and animals cannot get to you. They need to learn that you require time out, AND they need to discover that they WILL survive without your attention every 2 minutes.  Even if you do this for 5 minutes at a time, sit and just breathe. Or lie down for a brief spell. Any time you can turn off from being Mum for a few minutes, is a bonus. That big wound up spring inside you, has a chance to loosen just a bit. Big tip: USE THE LOCKS, don’t be a wimp!
  • Bath time is bliss. When the kids are (finally) asleep, run yourself a bath, light your favourite candles, pour a glass of wine, and just soak in the day. Lie back and let the water float away your stress. If you’re not into candles and wine, take a book. I have been known to read an entire novel in one bath session. Just let out some water and refill to warm it up. Water is soothing to our souls. It’s also a chance to unwind before you try to catch some ZZZ’s. A  restful sleep makes all the difference to approaching the day with positivity.
  • Get up half an hour early. Yes I can hear the groans. Even LESS sleep? I have discovered that sacrificing just 30 minutes of snooze time before everyone else is up, can make a difference to your sanity. It’s amazing how fresh you feel beginning the day with some quiet time. Use it to shower and get ready in peace. No knocking at the door, or faces peering through the shower glass to see what you’re doing in there without them. Maybe a few stretches or a few minutes on the treadmill to get the blood flowing and brain wires connecting. You’ll quickly look forward to getting up each morning for that 30 minutes of YOU time.
  • Don’t be a martyr. If you’re fortunate enough to have friends or relatives offering some kid free time so you can do some shopping, get your hair cut so you can see again, or see the doctor for your pap smear…SAY YES!!! Drop the kids off and RUN. Fast. For some reason we wonderful women think we have to do it all. I have been guilty of this ridiculous notion in the past too. But believe me when I tell you, you’re going to be no good for your family if you’re curled up in a ball, exhausted and having a nervous breakdown. You may be an incredible Divorced Super Mum, but you’re also human and need a break. You’ll be revived and ready to take on the world after some time away from your demanding munchkins.
  • Turn off the radio! When you’re in the car, turn off the constant noise and input to your brain. Just enjoy the rare silence. If you’re on your way home from work and have a long commute like I do, work through the day’s issues and then leave them in the car when you get out. DO NOT drag them out of the car with your handbag, they’ll only overload your circuits. Home time is for you and your family. OK, this could be a problem if you work from home, but the theory can still remain. Have a work space, and leave the worries at the desk. If you’re in the car with teenagers, the same thing can apply, though they’ll most likely have music blaring out of their headphones that you’ll have to bear anyway!

Being a Divorced Super Mum is liberating, challenging, incredibly rewarding, and at times exhausting. BUT you cannot do and be all, without looking after yourself, and your sanity.

Be SMART, steal some YOU time.

The world will keep revolving if you do!

 

How to answer THOSE dumb questions

 

Come on ask me something,-2

The ink is barely dry on your divorce papers and you still have a tell- tale tan mark on your ring finger, but some nitwit is bound to start asking stupid questions.

Don’t let your head spin around like one of those creatures from a horror movie, just act cool and flippantly send one of these remarks their nosy little way. They’ll never ask you again. ( Unless they are really TRYING to make your head spin around!)

 

How are you coping?

  • Better than you would if you had your heart ripped out via your nostrils, and stomped on by a herd of roaring bull elephants.
  • Like all Divorced Super Mums: I am living it up with a margarita in one hand and my laptop fired up for an online shopping spree , while my kids run around naked in the backyard eating poisonous snakes. And that’s just breakfast.
  • COPING?  I want to rip your head off, drag your stupid brain out, smear it with peanut butter and eat it with a cake fork. Does it sound like I am coping?

Have you started dating yet? 

  • My doctor thinks I should get rid of that disease first before I consider stepping back into the pool. SHHHH
  • Honey, I’m so fabulous I think I am happy dating myself for the rest of my life!
  • Dating? I’d rather have heart surgery done by a blind dog with 3 legs. While my family is holidaying in Hawaii.

Why are you single?

  • Because I am one of the smart ones. What’s YOUR excuse?
  • Because nobody could contain my awesomeness inside the confines of a constricting outdated, religious based, monogamous contract.
  • Have you seen my social calendar? I have too many men to meet and test drive to settle for just one. I might die before I reach my goal of 503.
  • You know what? I just can’t figure it out myself. Maybe they’ve heard about my seriously infectious disease?

I don’t know what I’d do if WE got divorced. ( I know this is not a question, but still an equally dumb statement. )

  • You’d have the time of your life being your own person, making decisions that suit you and your family, and an exciting future full of possibilities.
  • You’d have a different bed partner every night like I do. I am working my way through the pages of 50 Shades Of Grey!
  • Yes true, you would probably not survive it. You have to be a strong, smart person to cope. You’re better off staying married and miserable for another 50 years.

Oh yes you will meet many morons who have no filter on their mouths, and blurt out ridiculous questions or statements before the alert message reaches their brain.

Sometimes it’s just because they don’t know what else to say to us and feel like they should say SOMETHING to address the elephant in the room.

If you’re not courageous enough to flip them one of the above lines, a shoulder shrug will suffice. They can fill in the blanks themselves, because trust me, they will anyway!

So my Girlfriends, hold your head high, be proud of who and where you are. Stare your questioner in the face and declare:

I’M A DIVORCED SUPER MUM!

 

 

 

How to identify a Super Divorced Mum’s GF

 

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All women know that the truly important supporters in our lives are our Girlfriends. They may even be our sisters. But if they are not blood related, they are related by heart.

Any Divorced Super Mum will tell you they would not have survived the whole separating and divorcing circus if it wasn’t for their trusty Girlfriends or BFF’s.

These amazing women play a multitude of roles in our lives when we are incapable of making rationale decisions except for turning on the kettle for 2 minute noodles.

A truly awesome Girlfriend will:

  • Come around with your favourite wine and chocolates as soon as she hears about the split. She’ll stay and cry with you, scream, laugh and support you through it all. And she’ll leave the leftover chocolates when she leaves. ( There will be no leftover wine of course!)
  • Let you bag your ex without telling you off or reminding you that you used to love him. If she’s really amazing she’ll join in and tell you what a bad person he is.
  • Tell you how awesome you are, and deserve so much better. Even while you have puffy panda eyes, fluffy slippers, a snotty nose and legs so hairy you don’t need sunscreen for protection.
  • Agree with everything you say for a while, even if you’re making wildly insane statements about going to live in Borneo and breeding orangutans.
  • Offer to look after your kids for a while so you get time to do important things like wax your legs. The waxing ladies don’t like kids making pretty pictures with paddle pop sticks and blue wax on their walls. Some people really don’t appreciate art.
  • Wait at least a week before mentioning their hairdresser’s, plumber’s 3rd cousin for a blind date.
  • Never rub it in when her own perfect hubby cooks coq au vin and souffle for dinner, and takes her on romantic weekends to Paris.
  • Cheer you on when you burn you wedding photos and will probably supply the lighter. But she’ll stop you when you go too far and think about burning your wedding certificate. Ironically you’re going to need that one day to prove you’re divorced!
  • Help you pack, move and unpack again if you need to move premises. She’ll even do it if there’s a Ricky Martin concert in town. Now that’s a TRUE GF!
  • Tell your ex to take a hike if she crosses his path, protecting you like a lioness does her cubs. She may accidentally trip and key his car in the street too.
  • Will always answer your texts. Even if they are drunken ones at 3 am asking if you prefer the name Freda or Brigitte for your future orangutan breeding- mother in Borneo.
  • Give incredible gifts like a Dan Murphy gift card, a subscription to Awesome Women magazine, or a night out with Manpower.

No matter what, your GF will be your lifeline during some rocky times, so make sure you appreciate the time, effort and strong shoulder she will be giving you.

Remember that time spent with you, is also time she’s spending away from HER family. So don’t stretch the bonds of sisterhood and be too greedy.

Who knows, one day you may even get to return the favour?

 

 

How to be Ms Fix-It

 

pretty funny girl  struggling with some housework

You are Ms Independent now. You are enjoying your freedom and it’s all fun and games.

Until…something breaks, happens, or needs to be done that previously was not your responsibility in the household.

Even if your relationship with your ex-spouse was down the toilet well before you called it quits, there were still certain jobs that he was ‘expected’ to take care of. Whether he actually accomplished them or not, is beside the point.

Here are 5 things I have become a champion at since I became Ms Do-Everything-Around-Here:

  • Fixing stuff like door hinges and broken drawers. It’s amazing how good it feels to whack something really hard and improve its function. If the whacking procedure ( technical term only really cool Mums will understand) doesn’t work, find a hammer and a nail ( Or go buy some. Sexy men hang around the hardware shop!) and have a go. Once you get the hang of it, it’ll be a good stress release. You’ll be nailing down anything that stands still. Watch out kitty cat.
  • Assembling flat-packed furniture. The first time I opened something like this by myself, I burst into tears! Then I smacked myself around the ears and told myself to just get on with it. It took me a few hours, but I did it. I was SO ridiculously proud of my basic, but perfectly assembled desk, I wanted to advertise it on a billboard. Now I can put together almost anything, and my kids love to help. My daughter even put together the last thing I bought by herself. See…good role modelling! Maybe she’ll go on to be an engineer or an architect?
  • Killing spiders ( shudder). This has to be the scariest accomplishment I have had to date. I am petrified of anything remotely bugsy. I couldn’t even watch ‘A Bug’s Life’. But what do amazing mums do when faced with the world’s most gigantic, probably human- eating spider ever seen? She protects her babies and pretends she’s tough, and that facing this monster isn’t even scarier than telling her Mum she’s getting divorced. By the way, the tools for hunting and killing spiders ( Yes killing! There’s none of that catch them and let them go nonsense around here!) are: A hopefully full can of bug spray, a broom and dustpan, rubber gloves and false bravado. Tippy toe as close as you can to offensive creature and cover with spray until it’s white and foamy and eventually shrivelled up. Prepare to run if it moves at all. Ignore screaming children and hope neighbours haven’t phoned Family Services or the Police. Once spider has gone to the big web in the sky, put on rubber gloves ( just in case it’s playing dead) and sweep the white ball of legs into the dustpan and flush down the loo. Then disinfect EVERYTHING in sight!
  • Changing light bulbs. Okay, to many of you this may seem slightly pathetic. But to someone like me who has a fear of being electrocuted, fried to a crisp and left dangling from the ceiling, this one is BIG. Like the spider sagas, I have had to face my fears and be brave, or buy shares in a candle company. You should see me now, I am a pro at it! I wonder if there could be a new career in that? Professional Lightbulb Transformer.
  • All the small little things you forget about that make a house a smooth-running home. Things like putting up picture hooks, cleaning disgusting exhaust fans, air conditioner vents and gutters, scooping dog poop into bins, getting rid of ants, and organising car services. There are so many more chores that I have become expert at, they are now just part of my life.

I would love to say that I have learnt how to fix appliances and cars and bikes, but even my amazing new skills haven’t yet stretched that far. But you never know what you can do, until you try. They may be next on my list.

So don’t act like a helpless female, or freak out at the prospect of getting your hands dirty. Think of it as just a little puddle to step over on the road to independence and being a Divorced Super Mum.

Put on your rubber gloves, a mask for awful smells, a tool belt if it makes you feel handy, and get to work fixing stuff around your home. Once you get the hang of it, it’s actually quite fun. ( except for the spider killing. ) And rewarding. Your kids will think you’re even more amazing and clever ( Ok this one is probably a lie, but you can live in hope).

In the words of our friend Bob The Builder: ‘Can we fix it?”

YES WE CAN!

 

Becoming the old but new you.

 

girl during a session tattoos

It’s time.

YOUR time…to be whatever and whoever you want.

You are no longer constrained by the ties of marriage or the displeasure of your spouse. YOU get to make the choices for your life moving forward. You can do whatever you want if you want it badly enough.

For me, there were 3 defining moments towards creating the new me:

  1. Changing my name back to my maiden name.
  2. Selling my wedding and engagement rings.
  3. Getting a tattoo .

CHANGING MY NAME BACK TO MY MAIDEN NAME: Oh geez this was an ordeal and a half. It took me 4 years to decide to make this change. I was torn between wanting my old identity back, and not insulting my children and THEIR surname.  There’s that ugly guilt monster visiting again!

Once I’d finally arrived at the point of craving my old beautiful, familiar surname, I had to start by changing my driver’s license. I clearly wasn’t firing on all cylinders as I thought this would be an easy process, but forgot I’d be dealing with a Government department.

I took my marriage certificate in,  birth certificate, my divorce papers, my old license and some cash. ( Because I assumed they’d charge me an arm and a leg to change back to something that was already mine in the first place. ) I was ready and excited.

I was shocked to be told:  ‘That’s not an actual wedding certificate’.

What the?? Does that mean I was never ACTUALLY married?

The certificate is apparently just something they handed out on the day as a commemoration, and anyone having been married before a certain date, needs to apply for a REAL wedding certificate.

So let’s get this straight: I now have to apply ( and pay of course) to get an actual wedding certificate, to prove that I was married and now divorced, so I can change my name back to what is rightfully mine on my birth certificate?  Tell me that’s not a Government revenue raiser!

What I assumed would be a relatively easy process took several weeks. But perhaps that made the celebration even sweeter when my new license arrived with my precious old surname displayed on it. Happy Dance at the letter box!

SELLING THE WEDDING AND ENGAGEMENT RINGS: This was no big decision for me. They were just hanging around in my jewellery box staring at me whenever I opened it. At the time i needed some extra money, and they seemed like the perfect solution. I wasn’t dumb enough to think they’d rake me in a fortune, but boy was I disappointed when they offered only $120 for both! Either I was being ripped off big time, or my ex was a huge cheapskate when he bought them…probably BOTH I suspect! But they were symbols of the past , so I let them go for that measly price. AND IT WAS LIBERATING!

Do it ladies. What are you keeping them for? Earrings for your pets? If nothing else, sell them and go and buy yourself something special like my point No 3…

GETTING A TATTOO: I thought selling my wedding rings was a symbol of my new freedom, well hallelujah, this one was like announcing it from the rooftops, except I didn’t because it’s in a spot nobody can see, and if my mum knew about it, she’d probably come after me with a long forgotten wooden spoon!

But for me, it was a major mental step in choosing what I want, and who I am. I’d always wanted a discreet one, but my Ex-hubby was dead against them. So finally it was goodbye spouse, Hello Hello Kitty on my hip!

Just make sure you REALLY want it, because it’ll hurt like hell getting it, and apparently a whole lot more to remove it!

No matter what YOUR defining moments will be, JUST DO IT.

No more procrastinating.

GET ON WITH YOUR LIFE AND ENJOY WHAT IT WILL BRING YOU.

YOUR new world is waiting…

 

 

 

 

A Super-Mum by sunset.

 

Oh my I forgot I had children at door

 

3:45pm Tiredly rummage for car keys to start the epic 2 hour journey home.
My budget hasn’t stretched to a helicopter this week…again. I can’t understand why the school won’t send one to transport me.

Shoes off, slippers on. Smiling feet now.

Fight through crazy school traffic and mums who are already arguing with kids in the car about who gets to sit where and who is looking at who the wrong way.

Keep radio off for some rare peace to prepare for the onslaught at home.

Do my best to ignore all the twits sharing my road space. Why do they all need to be on the road right now when I am trying to get home and collapse?

Rehash the day’s trials and tribulations. Who invented moody teenagers anyway? Someone who obviously did not have any.

Try and decide what to feed everyone for dinner that requires:

  1. Short preparation time
  2. A short list of ingredients
  3. Nothing exotically flavoursome for them to turn their noses up at
  4. Very few dishes to cook it
  5. Something they’ll ALL eat and like
  6. A miracle

Mentally go through the week’s schedule of appointments . Will do my best not to take the cat to dance lessons and my daughter to the vet. Can’t make any promises though.

4:45pm Arrive at After School Care to pick up Master almost -12. Find out from Director what misadventures he has been up to. Decide to look into Military Boarding School.

Lecture the pre-boarding- school tween about the consequences of not using his own brain, then reel off a list of punishments: no playing outside for a week, sole dishwashing and bathroom cleaning duties ( may as well use it to my advantage!).

5:00pm Quick stop at the Supermarket for cat food and chocolate. PFT, who am I kidding? No stop at the supermarket is quick. Especially if it involves deciding on a chocolate flavour.

Ewwwww there should be smell detectors at the front doors of supermarkets. If you stink, you can’t come in until you go home and shower. USE SOAP! If you came to buy soap, borrow the neighbours, then think about coming back.

What did I need again?

Oh specials…….10 packs for the price of 1. You can never have too many cotton wool balls.

Have we got enough milk? Better grab some in case.

I can smell the chocolate aisle coming up.

OMG A WALL OF HEAVEN! How can I be expected to pick just one?? I really should throw in 2, it’s almost that time of the month where chocolate must be within reach or someone may die.

Loo Paper with pretty flowers!!! I must have some of that. I am sure it will somehow make wiping my backside that much better. ( I am clearly an advertisers dream target )

Quick dash to stock up on cups of 2 minute noodles.

5:20pm How do I always manage to pick the checkout chick who wants to chat with her customers about world peace and her breakup with the latest squeeze?

Ignore pleas from my ratty child for treats at checkout. Such a ploy for weak mothers. I REFUSE to give in. Today.

5:30pm Load car with treasures. Why do I have a full bag? I only had 2 things on my list. Damn I forgot the cat food!! She’ll have to have some chopped up ham. Lucky kitty will think it’s Christmas. ( not that she’s ever had a present at Christmas)

5:45pm I can finally see my haven just as the sun bids us goodnight.

Sigh. It’s been another long day. Are there any other kind anymore?

Fall out of the car.

No worries son, I’ll grab the shopping all by myself. GRR

Dragging feet now, and possibly my butt if I had the energy to check.

Heave shopping onto the kitchen bench. Unpack items we don’t need. Who put this ridiculous looking toilet paper in here?

Pretty sure this kitchen was cleaner when I left home 11 hours ago. Piggies have been rummaging at the trough again.

5:55pm Daughter enters and lovingly declares: “I am starving, can we have dinner soon?”

Make valiant effort NOT to throw shopping at offspring and hot-foot it back out the door.

…and my 2nd work day begins…

 

How Super Mums cope with an ambulance emergency!

So this is what it looked like loading me into the ambulance except this patient looks much better than I did and I had a cuter ambo man.  Unfortunately I wasn't fit enough to ask for a selfie at the time, so this is a stunt double photo.

So this is what it looked like loading me into the ambulance except this patient looks much better than I did and I had a cuter ambo guy.
Unfortunately I wasn’t fit enough to ask for a selfie at the time, so this is a stunt double photo!

 

The following is a TRUE story and happened to me yesterday!

Weirdly enough, things just seem to happen to me.

This is how a Super Mum deals with an emergency trip to hospital:

  • When your heart rhythm jumps to 180 beats per minute and you feel lightheaded, think of the cute ambulance guys who may come to your rescue instead of refusing a trip to hospital because you don’t have time for it.
  • Thank God for your choice of leggings to work that morning, as your dress is hiked up to your armpits for your 8 colleagues standing around gawking at you.
  • While waiting for the sirens to arrive, you ring your ex to pick up your youngest son from school, rearrange daughter’s eye appointment that you’re supposed to get to, and call eldest son with instructions to delay tomorrow’s house inspection as you don’t know when you’ll be home. Mentally rehash dinner plans and try to recall what is in the freezer the kids can cook without burning the house down.
  • As you’re wheeled out strapped to the gurney with an oxygen mask on, smile and wave at the students who probably have the drama on FB or YouTube 5 seconds later.
  • A great Super Mum is also a great sister and lets her sibling go with her for the ride. She even lets her ride up front with sexy ambo man. Sister-of-the-year points ( apart from the fact she freaked sister out in the first place with the emergency.) .
  • While you’re bouncing around the back of the ambulance with a bladder that’s about to burst from the IV they’ve pumped through you, try and distract yourself by listening to cute ambo driver.
  • On arrival at hospital, be grateful that you’re a cardiac patient as you get priority over the other 10 ambulances ramped at emergency, and whizz right on by the poor people waiting before you.
  • Be proud of your efforts not to wet yourself by the time they bring you a bedpan. ( even though the ambulance lady said “If you really need to go, just go!” NO WAY LADY! This mum does NOT wet her pants!) . Try not to be self conscious while 2 male doctors are talking to you and a male nurse putting a flush through your IV, all while you’re trying your hardest to wee. Even though you could have filled a swimming pool 5 minutes ago.
  • When the doctor tells you he needs to administer a drug that is going to make you feel like you’re dying and actually flatline you briefly, don’t panic. Ok this one is nearly impossible advice, and I sure didn’t follow it!
  • When the first dose of the drug doesn’t work, nor the second double dose, don’t keep wishing you’d updated your will to leave the kids your car and the pugs. Keep focused.
  • When the nice doctor warns you he has to triple the dose and you ask if that means it will feel 3 times as bad, don’t believe him when he says no. HE’S LYING!
  • When the 10 people standing around in emergency look at your ECG and start whispering electric shock treatment, don’t get up and run away. You have cords and wires stuck all over you, and an IV drip attached. Your undies are probably still down around your knees from using the bedpan too. Just wait a couple of seconds and the shock of hearing that option will be enough to get your naughty heart back into a proper rhythm.
  • When the drama is over, remember to send someone for your sister so she can meet the cute doctors too ( more bonus sister points).
  • On being wheeled to the recovery ward, even though you can only see the ceiling whizzing by, try and remember landmarks as they’ll come in handy when you need to find your way out of the rabbit warren later. That broken light will be your saviour in a few hours time.
  • So you’re on the ward and willing your heart rate to get below the magic discharge number of 100. Don’t look at the monitor because every time you do, it goes up, and that’s the exact moment the nurse looks in to check the number, frowns and wanders off for another half an hour.
  • Do not think about food and the lunch you were just sitting down to at work and didn’t get to eat. You’ll only torture yourself. Don’t expect a drink unless you beg for it. You may hear a conversation about sandwiches on the dinner trolley at about 8:30pm. Ignore your gurgling belly, you can’t eat them, you’re gluten sensitive.
  • Text the kids ( Because hospitals have crap phone service and the person on the other end cannot hear you no matter how loudly you’re screaming down the phone) to make sure dog is fed, dinner cooked and eaten, everyone washed, homework done.
  • Wonder who took your children and left you with ones who actually care and are doing housework without you even asking! Thinking this whole hospital emergency thing may not be so bad. How long can I milk it for?
  • Try not to get excited once the doctor has been and given you the thumbs up to go home. You’ll need to wait for a discharge letter that will take another 2 hours to arrive in your hands.
  • After getting a ride back to your car that is still at work, do your best to stay awake on the long drive home. You can’t wait to see your children and have them greet you at the door lovingly with hugs and welcome- home flowers. Maybe even a three course dinner.
  • Arrive home at last. Kids all asleep in bed, tucked up tight. Be glad the dog is awake and happy to see you.
  • Fall into bed, thankful you survived such an exciting day. I wonder what tomorrow will have in store? BRING IT ON!

How to be an extraordinary ex-wife

 

 

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The Divorce Party of the decade is over, the decorations put into storage for the next lucky friend to recycle, and the ink on the precious legal documents announcing your new life, are dry.

Now what?

Life gets real now and unfortunately you’ll still need to deal with your ex, possibly even on a day-to-day basis for a while (depending how young your children are).

It may be difficult, but my best advice is to be civil, even to the point of sickeningly nice. Not only will it irritate your ex, but this way you can uphold that you’ve been the mature adult should he decide to get nasty.

Here are 10 ways you can be an extraordinary ex-wife:

  • When he calls to speak to the kids for the 6th time in an hour , pass the phone over with a smile and know that this behaviour is his insecurity at work. The kids will soon be annoyed that Dad is interrupting their Play Station time and tell him to bugger off themselves.
  • Ask if he’d like any wedding photos, otherwise you’re binning them. Only the BEST ex-wives let their ex-spouses know they don’t want the memories themselves BEFORE destroying them.
  • Give your ex one of the family pets so he doesn’t feel lonely and the kids have one when they visit. Just make sure it’s the cat you never liked, the ferret that leaves a mess everywhere, or the stupid bird that likes to sing as the sun rises. Win, win for you.
  • When he comes to pick up the kids, make sure you’re standing at the door looking gorgeous and sexy in your new little outfit. This is solely for his benefit as you don’t want him worrying that you’re moping around in your PJ’s being an unfit mother. It’s not because you want him to be reminded of what he’s missing .
  • Don’t EVER say negative things to the kids about their father. Trust me, you won’t need to. They’ll figure it out themselves when he doesn’t pay any child support, or buy them a birthday present because he cannot get himself organised. Just be patient.
  • If he still has things to be picked up from your place, give him a chance BEFORE you put it out on the roadside for scavengers to maul through. I think 1 reminder is sufficient, then it’s open slather. Don’t worry, his prized antique record player will be snapped up by your neighbours before it gets any weather damage.
  • Always invite him to family events involving the kids. He’s still their Dad and you want him involved in their lives. It’s not your fault he is throwing daggers at you when you invite the stripper from your Divorce Party to be your guest. ( Just remind him this is a clothed family event before he accepts! ).
  • When you decide to make the plunge into the dating pool again, just mention it to your ex. Purely out of respect of course. Then you have opened up the opportunity to discuss how amazing, thoughtful and incredibly sexy your new dates have been.
  • Let him know when you change your name back. Just so he knows what his ex-wife’s name actually is in case he needs to fill out a document. Not of course, to rub it in that you don’t want his surname attached to you unnecessarily.
  • Send him a Happy Divorce Day card at the one year anniversary. Preferably with a photo of you on a cruise with a hot guy. Didn’t you both promise to never forget an anniversary?

If you follow this advice, you will surely be nominated for ex-wife of the year!

Is there such an award? And why haven’t I received it yet?

I better look into that…