Monthly Archives: May 2015

To love again? Consider these 5 things before committing your heart.

 

Can I love again?

You may not think so now, but there IS going to come a time when you’ll at least consider this question: Am I ready to love again? You may answer with ” NO way, I’d rather have dinner with a hungry lion while smothered in blood”. But you WILL make a decision either way.

It IS a big decision. Am I prepared to open my heart and my life again for a relationship, and potential hurt and/or embarrassment? Or am I happy either being by myself, focussing on my children, career, goldfish, or electric kettle collection?

Is it worth all the hassle? And believe me, there WILL be hassles.

You’ll lie awake for days devising hundreds of questions and what ifs and drive yourself crazy.

With that in mind, I have put together my top 5 issues to ponder if you’re considering opening your heart again.

  1. Are you still angry at your ex and/or angry at yourself for marrying him?
    Probably not a good place to begin a new relationship if you haven’t resolved most of the emotion of your marriage. Forgive yourself, and your ex for your mistakes. Holding grudges will not make you any happier. Remember you have the rest of your life ahead of you. Make it your best years yet.
    Besides, what will annoy your ex more than seeing you moving on and being happy?
  2. Have you grown too accustomed to having everything YOUR way?
    Queen of the household and all that jazz. Control of the remote, the entire bed to sprawl out in, and girly stuff all over the house? Can you share again? Here’s the clincher: are you ready to share your bottles of wine…
  3. Are the kids ready to see you with someone other than their Dad?
    Watch your step here, this could be tricky. Some children may never be ready for this, so you’ll need to negotiate some strategies to minimise damage. It’s like a minefield, so tread carefully. This topic is so huge and fraught with danger, it really needs an entire post by itself, so I’ll get on to that!
    In the meantime, consider how ready your kidlets are to share you.
  4. What if my dog/cat/guinea pig/imaginary friend doesn’t like him/her?
    They’re all very intuitive as you know, so maybe listen to them ( Especially the imaginary friend, it knows you best. Though on the flip side, maybe it wants you all to him/herself?? ) .  Having said that, I once went out with a guy whose cat was so jealous of me she spat and hissed and screamed blue murder if I went within 5 feet of her. And I LOVE cats, my name is Cat for god’s sake! But this fellow adored his nasty cat more than me, probably a little too much. So here’s another tip: Beware of men who do eccentric things like leaving bathroom and kitchen cupboard doors wide open for the cat to sleep in.
    Likewise can you be with someone who can’t handle your pug’s fur on their precious rug, or who would rather hold a plate of worms than said guinea pig?
  5. Are you looking for an actual relationship or just someone to go to the movies and whinge about work to?
    Here’s the biggie. What is it you think you can actually handle at this point in your life? TIP: If you’re not 100% sure about a full on relationship, just dip your toe in and start with a casual one. But be completely upfront with your potential partner from the word go. You do NOT want him ordering wedding stationary if you’re just bored of nights home alone and want someone to play poker with.

If you’re anything like me ( crazy, paranoid, but hopeful) you’re dead scared to have another stuffed up a relationship. Not just because of your heart, but also because of your kids, family and reputation. Nobody wants others to think you’re a relationship-hopper ( and I have met some of these!) just because you’re someone who would like to find THE one to share your time with, and potentially more. Ignore those who think you should be by yourself until your kids are adults, they’ll probably be very vocal about it too, so buy earplugs. Everyone will have an opinion on what you should be doing. Only listen to your own.

Make your OWN decisions based on your life, needs, plans and desires. Those who matter, will simply want you to be happy.

Don’t panic…most decisions are reversible. Just like marriage!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Forty Eight Hours Short

As we near Mother’s Day, I often think of my beautiful Grandmother who I loved so dearly. This year I thought I’d share a piece I wrote that was previously published in The Australia Times

The last photo of my Grandma and I

The last photo of my Grandma and I

Why didn’t you hold on for just two more days? Forty eight hours. A snippet of time in your almost ninety two years.

I was coming to see you.

To feast on the warmth and comfort of your withered, wizened face, to hear your tinkling laughter as you cracked slightly inappropriate jokes about the old geezer down the hall climbing into bed with you. My hands aching for the touch of your familiar bony clasp held so often and lovingly, my body desperately in need of your rose scented hug.

No longer a need for you to scoot over in your bed for me to sit close, your body so tiny and now minus half a leg you so cheekily call Matilda.

Fond childhood memories. So many of them revolve around you: school holidays staying at your house so far from ours, excitement and country freedom, walking to the main street for a bag of mixed lollies and shopping for you: Ford pills and salmon paste. The magnificent blue bedroom with frills and flounces. I still have dreams of being in this room with my sisters. You and I sleeping through the tornado that tore through town. Allowing me to carefully polish the delicate china in your beautiful cabinet that now sits proudly in my hallway. You sitting through all eighty-two competitors at my dance competition to see me announced as the winner, and your subsequent retelling of that day for many years after.

We shared a mutual love of books and shuffled many between us over the years. As well as secret chocolates.

Even though you had five offspring of your own and a horde of grandchildren and great grandies, you continued to be sharp as a button and remembered their names and what they were up to. You made each one of us feel like the favourite. A proud family matriarch.

You were my happy place, so alike we were.

You had always been there encouraging and cheering my way through each life milestone. Never judging, just providing me with love and open-mindedness.

I knew you were not much longer to be ours. I mentioned this urgency to my partner whom I wanted you to meet, and love. My wish was for you to know that now I am happy and well-loved as you wanted.

Our visit was planned for Easter Saturday.

I bought your favourite chocolates.

The call came on Holy Thursday.

You couldn’t wait for me.

How distraught I was not to see your cheeky grin again, to hold you in my arms as you once held me. I wanted to tell you I loved you before you left me for always.

I was so angry at you as I stomped down my hallway.

Why couldn’t you wait?

Didn’t you know I was coming one last time?

Something bumped into me. My accusing glare melted away when I realised the offending item. Your china cabinet.

You knew.

Even now you were reassuring me, comforting me like only my dearest Grandmother could.

I will never ever…

 

NO WAY

Today, on the eve of a heart operation, I am faced with my inevitable mortality. Ok it’s not open heart surgery, but any time I allow a doctor to insert a catheter into my groin, through my arteries into my heart, I consider it slightly risky to my life!

I would be lying if I said I wasn’t nervous. Actually it feels more like a herd of tap dancing hippos in my belly.

I am a sole mother of 3, the breadwinner, disciplinarian, and responsible one in their lives. What if something goes wrong?

As doctors are required by law to mention the low but possible risks, a brain as overactive and paranoid as mine cannot help but go there.

I have already mentioned my ‘bucket list‘ though it may be too late to action most of these at this point. So I have started thinking about my ‘never ever’ list. What things do I absolutely never ever want to do if I get to come home after tomorrow’s surgery?

Interesting concept.

Here’s what I have come up with:

I WILL NEVER EVER…

  • Want to have this surgery again. I am quaking in my pug slippers.
  • Wish for my children to have a marriage such as mine. I want them to travel the world and get to know themselves first.
  • Want perms to come back into fashion again. Poodle hair wasn’t attractive the first time around.
  • Go bungee jumping or skydiving. If I was meant to be flying through the air, I’d have been born with wings.
  • Want to be alive to bury one of my own children. Please God, take me first. I have seen the trauma and heartbreak this causes for families. It’s too painful and cruel.
  • Want my children or loved ones to wonder if I love them. You can never tell or show someone too much, how important they are. You may never be granted another chance.
  • Be able to wear a low-cut sexy dress as I don’t have the boobs for it…unless I go back to Thailand for a quick-fix.
  • Be a bogan. It’s all princess and sparkle here baby.
  • Regret ending my marriage. Beginning it, yes, but that’s all.
  • Want to be so poor that my card declines at the supermarket again. It’s humiliating and depressing. The How -am- I -going- to- feed- my- family- now question is scary.
  • Let my children drop out of school even if I have to tie them to a chair. A basic education is vital to a successful future.
  • Get sick of wearing slippers and my fluffy dressing gown. I realise this makes me sound like a bogan after all, but I promise you, only inside my home ( though I have been known to do the quick dash to the letter box).
  • Enjoy cooking meals for the family. I am no domestic goddess and cook only because I need to feed the tribe.
  • Get sick of hearing my children laugh or play together nicely. Yes, it’s rare which is why I cherish it.
  • Be a size 10 again. This pains me to admit, but even if I was to have all my meals cooked and  walk on the treadmill all day long, my body is just not that shape anymore. Sigh…
  • Disrespect my parents while they are alive on this earth. I am still too scared of them! Years of conditioning still at work.
  • Understand anybody that harms an animal. That shows true mental issues in my eyes.
  • Get sick of having a warm relaxing bath. I think I’ll head into one once I am done with this.
  • Forget how much I adored my Grandmother. She was a cheeky woman and I miss her every day. I hope that one day MY grandies may love me just as much.
  • Want to be a teenager again. It was hard enough the first time around without all the pressures our kids have these days.
  • Forget to be grateful for the chances given to me in life. I have been blessed in so many ways.
  • Go to bed without turning on my fan. I am one of those weirdos that need moving air and the calming hum to drown out other noises.
  • Forget the people who have always been with me at my worst and most unlikeable moments. They’re my true angels.

Geez I think I could just keep on typing here. I have more never evers than I do on my bucket list. I have to stop myself. It’s easy when you get going…or is it that I am just fussy or obsessive?

Please tell me, WHAT ARE SOME OF YOUR NEVER EVERS???

I’ll sign off now, head to my relaxing bath, and all going well with my naughty heart, be back on board soon ready to take on the world!

Cheers my dear Divorced Super Mums.

~Cat Whelan~