Today, on the eve of a heart operation, I am faced with my inevitable mortality. Ok it’s not open heart surgery, but any time I allow a doctor to insert a catheter into my groin, through my arteries into my heart, I consider it slightly risky to my life!
I would be lying if I said I wasn’t nervous. Actually it feels more like a herd of tap dancing hippos in my belly.
I am a sole mother of 3, the breadwinner, disciplinarian, and responsible one in their lives. What if something goes wrong?
As doctors are required by law to mention the low but possible risks, a brain as overactive and paranoid as mine cannot help but go there.
I have already mentioned my ‘bucket list‘ though it may be too late to action most of these at this point. So I have started thinking about my ‘never ever’ list. What things do I absolutely never ever want to do if I get to come home after tomorrow’s surgery?
Here’s what I have come up with:
I WILL NEVER EVER…
- Want to have this surgery again. I am quaking in my pug slippers.
- Wish for my children to have a marriage such as mine. I want them to travel the world and get to know themselves first.
- Want perms to come back into fashion again. Poodle hair wasn’t attractive the first time around.
- Go bungee jumping or skydiving. If I was meant to be flying through the air, I’d have been born with wings.
- Want to be alive to bury one of my own children. Please God, take me first. I have seen the trauma and heartbreak this causes for families. It’s too painful and cruel.
- Want my children or loved ones to wonder if I love them. You can never tell or show someone too much, how important they are. You may never be granted another chance.
- Be able to wear a low-cut sexy dress as I don’t have the boobs for it…unless I go back to Thailand for a quick-fix.
- Be a bogan. It’s all princess and sparkle here baby.
- Regret ending my marriage. Beginning it, yes, but that’s all.
- Want to be so poor that my card declines at the supermarket again. It’s humiliating and depressing. The How -am- I -going- to- feed- my- family- now question is scary.
- Let my children drop out of school even if I have to tie them to a chair. A basic education is vital to a successful future.
- Get sick of wearing slippers and my fluffy dressing gown. I realise this makes me sound like a bogan after all, but I promise you, only inside my home ( though I have been known to do the quick dash to the letter box).
- Enjoy cooking meals for the family. I am no domestic goddess and cook only because I need to feed the tribe.
- Get sick of hearing my children laugh or play together nicely. Yes, it’s rare which is why I cherish it.
- Be a size 10 again. This pains me to admit, but even if I was to have all my meals cooked and walk on the treadmill all day long, my body is just not that shape anymore. Sigh…
- Disrespect my parents while they are alive on this earth. I am still too scared of them! Years of conditioning still at work.
- Understand anybody that harms an animal. That shows true mental issues in my eyes.
- Get sick of having a warm relaxing bath. I think I’ll head into one once I am done with this.
- Forget how much I adored my Grandmother. She was a cheeky woman and I miss her every day. I hope that one day MY grandies may love me just as much.
- Want to be a teenager again. It was hard enough the first time around without all the pressures our kids have these days.
- Forget to be grateful for the chances given to me in life. I have been blessed in so many ways.
- Go to bed without turning on my fan. I am one of those weirdos that need moving air and the calming hum to drown out other noises.
- Forget the people who have always been with me at my worst and most unlikeable moments. They’re my true angels.
Geez I think I could just keep on typing here. I have more never evers than I do on my bucket list. I have to stop myself. It’s easy when you get going…or is it that I am just fussy or obsessive?
Please tell me, WHAT ARE SOME OF YOUR NEVER EVERS???
I’ll sign off now, head to my relaxing bath, and all going well with my naughty heart, be back on board soon ready to take on the world!
Cheers my dear Divorced Super Mums.